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Is it your problem or their problem?

This is the moment of truth. You now know that something is going on. You, along with everyone else, skews reality. You also know the reasons why that happens. Something is said or done - or not said or done - or you think something on your own that triggers a deep-seated flaw in one of the four questions. Recognizing this trigger mechanism, you are now able to identify the immediate negative impact of this void. The question now becomes: what are you doing to do about it?

Presuming you don't want to endlessly be in pain - and, believe me, no one really does - you want to stop this event from repeating. You are at the door of obstruction. You now need to determine which path you are going to take. One door leads to change. The other continutes the conflict. You've taken the wrong one in the past Which are you going to choose now?

There are two fundamental reasons why people fail at this stage and, of course, they both have to do with emotions. There are myriad ways in which that happens, but let me give you the two most prominent. The first is when you are at fault. If you already feel bad - whether that's because you think you're inherently bad or you feel dumb or stupid because you made a mistake - lumping another item on top of that isn't going to make you feel better, at least not in the short term. So taking responsibilty is painful.

The other is when someone else is at fault. If you have issues with the Value questio you're going to place someone else's emotions above yours. A sort of "why don't you just suck it up and let them be? What is the point anyway?". On the other hand, if you have issues with the Discretion question, you don't know if you're making a good decision. After all, what if you're wrong? In both cases, you *may* be right and that is the key. You're not going to know unless you put it out there.

The single biggest impediment to change is refusing to challenge the status quo. While that may be obvious, you now know that there are emotional reasons behind it. In fact, you now have the exact reasons. Those nasty misleading emotions. And the thing in common with all the scenarios above is that they center on inaction. You are literally letting the past remain - refusing to question the memories - because of a future that you either don't want to experience (as when you take responsibity) or are unsure of what it is (when you fail to complain). So I ask you; do you want to enable bad behavior, on your part or that of others? Because when you refuse to take constructive action, you lose all rights at complaining. You now, without a doubt, are choosing the pain you know. Inertia says the conflict will happen again. Stop it now while it is easier to do so.

Write down at least two cognitive distortions you use to hold back constructive action.

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