In the same way we verify feelings, we can validate a complaint. Really, this is just another way of saying "hey, this person is causing me conflict. do they need to resolve it or do I?". The question is all about propeling constructive action. To do that, we must deliver something called an actionable request, something we will talk about in a future lesson.

For now though, rather than dwell on the specifics, we will talk about whether or not we have grounds. A good way to do that is to figure out what it is you want them to do. And we're not talking about the particular actionable request, but, rather, the nature of the request. Here's what we mean.

When a person engages in undesirable behavior and we experience conflict, there are two elements to work through. The first starts with the instigating incident. Is there something we want them to stop doing or start doing, the latter in the case of inaction. For example, if someone is making insulting comments, then we can ask them to stop. However, if they are not offering compliments when we think they should, we can ask them to start. Remember, inaction can also be an undesirable behavior.

The second element is the consequence. Is there some cost associated with their undesirable behavior and do they need to repair? Now, that doesn't include them apologizing. We can't tell someone to say they're sorry, and that is counterintuitive anyway. Regardless, if they broke something due to carelessness, we can ask them to extend an effort in response to the behavior, so a secondary action so to speak. Don't do this and fix this.

In all cases we should ask them if they acknowledge the infraction. After all, we know that undesirable behavior is driven by misleading emotions, and, in order to facilitate someone correcting their misleading emotion, we can ask them to confirm it verbally which provides multiple benefits. It clarifies the problem, helps them write a new ending, and may even alert them to a pattern of misalignment. Best of all, we are sticking up for ourselves and setting a precedent for the future.

Nonetheless, we must be prepared for the fact that our logic is off and give them the opportunity to present their case.